From Infertility to Adoptive Mom After 50

Early in my childhood I decided that I would have fraternal twins like my mom did. I thought twins were awesome and practical. There was never a thought or concern for me that I would never have children. All I needed to do was fall in love, get married and the babies would come.

First comes Love…

Fast forward to after college. My brothers had their own families, but I was still single and enjoying life as the favorite aunt. I eventually met my soulmate, Aaron, and we are a great couple and good for one another. We started trying to get pregnant after about a year of marriage but it just didn’t seem to happen. We have no known fertility issues in my family and Aaron already had kids from a previous marriage. Aaron got tested just in case however, he wasn’t the problem. A sonogram revealed I had a large fibroid that was blocking conception. I was optimistic about the prospect of surgery being the solution to my dilemma. Although, It had only been less than a year that my mom had passed. I was heartbroken at the thought that my future babies would not have their grandmother in their lives.

The Disappointment

My doctor scheduled the surgery for a myomectomy. The growth was so large that it completely smothered one of my ovaries which the doctor removed as well. I was already struggling to conceive with both ovaries. Now with only one, at 41 years old, any chance for success seemed so distant.

I don’t often share my deepest feelings or pour out my heart regarding personal matters with most people. So, starting this blog is a huge deal for me. It will certainly challenge me in the area of transparency and vulnerability. On the outside, our marriage seemed great. Family and friends assumed we were completely content with our lives. They thought perhaps we had simply chosen not to expand our family. I had told very few people that we were actively trying to conceive.

The Struggle

As a Christian, I of course did a lot of praying, confessing, and hoping for pregnancy during those days. There is a lot I could say about how faith (or lack thereof) affected my journey toward motherhood. I will likely dedicate a separate post entirely to that topic.

During that time, Aaron asked if I thought adoption might be a good choice for us. I didn’t really want to engage the topic with him. It felt like his making that suggestion meant that he had given up hope that I could get pregnant. But I had tunnel vision. And I didn’t want to even entertain anything short of conception and giving birth to our biological children. After the surgery didn’t yield good results, my gynecologist told me he had done everything in his ability to help me. My pH levels were terrible yet I was still clinging to hope. He referred me to a fertility specialist that he highly recommended.

Worse-Doctor-Ever

He made the appointment for me and I will never forget that visit. The doctor came in holding the most recent lab report of my pH levels. (My gynecologist must have forwarded that to him). There I was thinking I was meeting with someone who would help me exhaust every avenue toward conception. Instead, he explained the results of the labs; reminded me of my age and said “pregnancy for you will never happen.” He wasn’t rude per se, but he was aloof and unfeeling with his delivery. Then he leaned in, gave a quick double pat on my arm and walked out of the room.

He had asked no questions, drawn no labs, or lended any semblance of hope or possibility to me. He just walked out and left me feeling like the world’s biggest loser. That experience was absolutely humiliating. I felt so defeated and I mentioned this to no one beside Aaron. Also, I was livid! Livid at my gynecologist for recommending that heartless, apathetic jerk; livid at the jerk himself for wasting my time- I mean, damn! He could have told my doctor upfront that based on the lab results, he wouldn’t be able to help me. I wanted to kick myself for having put myself in a situation where my hopes were so cruelly smashed. It was after that experience that I gave up. I stopped praying, believing or confessing about pregnancy. I just resigned myself to accept that I would never conceive and tried to convinced myself that I was ok with that.

The Regret

The decision to quit is one of my biggest regrets. I let one really painful experience cause me to lose all hope. Certainly, there were other clinics or specialists that would have given me their best efforts. My advice to women facing similar situations is simple: Follow your own gut feelings. You don’t have to take “no” for an answer until you’re ready. One other regret is that I didn’t trust anyone enough to share my pain during the journey. This was not due to a lack of trustworthy family or close friends. However, it was because of my own personal complex. I’ve come to acknowledge that God put people in our lives for a reason. We are to share both the triumphs and the disappointments. For too long I had taken pride in my independence at my own expense.

The Emptiness

Fast forward now to years beyond what would have had to have been a miracle for conception at that point. It seems that time actually sped by. Some friends were now empty nesters and grandparents, my youngest brother even had grandkids. Hubby and I were still giving our happy faces on the outside, but inside I felt incomplete. I adore my husband and I have a wonderful relationship with my step children. Yet, I still hadn’t shaken the deep yearning to be a full time mom. We discussed adoption again. This time I was actually receptive and felt that it was the right path to expand our family.

The Decision

Shortly after the new year 2018, we decided to actively move forward with our plan to pursue adoption. Of course the questions started racing inside my head; Had we waited too late? Are we now too old even to adopt? Nonetheless, we moved forward with the prerequisite process for adoption and completed a home study. Afterward we were happy to find a wonderful adoption agency. The first order of business was to create a profile– a booklet outlining our lifestyle, hobbies, goals, intentions for adoption, etc. We put our creative energies to work and really got into it. The project was essentially us making a case for why we would make good parents. We were convinced that we had the love, stamina and support necessary to become new parents; even at our age.

The Process

It took a couple of months to complete the project and record a short video for the potential birth mother. By spring our profile was “live” in the adoption agency’s database. Now it was in the hands of the birthmothers to select their choice of new parents. Next, we excitedly shared the news of our “waiting to adopt” status with close friends and family. They were of course super happy for us and supportive. The agency was also quite supportive with letters, cards and regular check-ins from our case manager. We attended regular webinars on a plethora of adoption related topics. One recommendation was to publicize our intent to adopt everywhere, church, doctor’s office, social media, etc.

The Accident

I am a guarded person, so I had absolutely zero intentions of posting my desire to adopt on social media. To post that I’m hoping to adopt would put me in too vulnerable a position- I wasn’t doing that. Now, I’m no technical guru, but I do consider myself at least moderately online savvy. The adoption agency sent me the link to our online profile on their website. They had made it shareable to social media. Somehow, after reviewing it, I actually shared it to my Facebook page. Only after I started getting congratulatory messages of encouragement about the post did I realize what I had done. Unintentionally, I had put myself out there and saw people showing genuine excitement for me. They said things like “I’m so happy for you”, and “I know you will make a great mom” etc.

I have no idea how I shared that link to my page, but I’m so glad that I did. I’ve made a resolution to stop guarding myself so tightly that I possibly block meaningful deposits into my life. Those encouraging comments meant the world to me. Although, I nearly missed out because I was too concerned that someone might potentially be negative or hurt my little feelings.

The Wait

Aaron and I worked diligently on a gender neutral nursery. Once we had that all together, we made a pact that we wouldn’t obsess over the wait. We spent weekends hanging with our couples’ friends and enjoyed ourselves with intentionality. Inexplicably, I had a quiet peace, knowing that we would get selected, and at the right time. Even when it felt like things were out of control- there was a calmness in the chaos.

The Broadway musical, Hamilton, was on my bucket list big time. It was now late August and our wedding anniversary was coming up in November. So we planned to book the trip to New York and I began researching costs to find the best deal for our vacation. (I actually enjoy the hunt- finding the best for less.) I bided my time as my excitement for Broadway was mounting.

The Match

It was business as usual a couple of weeks later when my personal cell phone rang. My heart skipped a beat when I saw the display that read “No Caller ID”. The agency had told us that’s how the call would display when there was a potential birth mother match.

I took a deep breath and answered the call. It was the director of adoption services and sure enough she had a match for us! I work from home so I frantically waved Aaron into my office. We listened eagerly as she gave us a general rundown about the birth mother who had chosen us. She was expecting a baby boy and her due date was November 11th – Veterans’ Day. The director set up arrangements for the birth mother and us to connect, congratulated us and ended the call. I immediately fell into Aaron’s arms and wept with joy, excitement and sheer relief.

The Plan

The next day we had our first conversation with the young lady who had chosen us. Our instant connection was surreal. She told us she was so happy that she had chosen us and repeated how confident she was in her decision. We kept in touch over the next several weeks. She gave us regular updates on all her doctor appointments. We discussed a birth plan that would include us being present for the delivery. We were so excited! Thankfully, we had not yet purchased our Broadway tickets or booked the flights to New York. Hamilton could wait! Besides, I couldn’t think of a more lovely interruption of plans. We started slowly packing our baby essentials bag, using a checklist to make sure we were prepared. The agency had even advised on pre-booking flights through a particular airline as there is no charge to change flights. 

Do You Know What Today Is?

November came and the due date was approaching. The revised plan for our anniversary day celebration would be dinner and a movie. However, early that morning we woke up to a phone call from the birth mom saying her water had broken. We were downright giddy! We called our workplaces, made arrangements for our furbaby, Nico and excitedly rushed to the airport.

While awaiting our flight, I got a text message from the birth mom that the baby would be coming at any minute. Aaron and I looked at one another. We were going to miss the birth, but more importantly we would soon be holding our newborn son. Before we even boarded the plane we had received numerous texted photos of our little cutie. It was already LOVE at first sight for me! And I couldn’t wait to get to him.

Finally

A few hours later, we met and held our little Zachary for the first time. He grabbed my heart, squeezed with all his might and didn’t let go! He needed me and I needed him. At long last I had become a mom. That was one of the most unforgettable and emotional days of my life. We didn’t get dinner or a movie. What we got was the best anniversary present we could have ever hoped for.

We are Family

Our LuvBug is now 4 years old, going on 40. He is happy, smart, handsome and busy! Since I have never given birth, I have nothing with which to compare the love I have for him. I can’t possibly imagine that I could love a biological child anymore than I love Zachary right now. Love is Love, love is God, and Love is all that I have for my Sonshine.

Hamilton is touring now and our city is on the tour schedule. We have purchased good seats and lined up a baby sitter. We can’t wait to see the show in just a few weeks. And if the original cast members should ever resume their roles on Broadway, then New York might go back on my bucket list. Until then, I’m excited to finally see the talented cast of actors perform right here in our own hometown.